For those of you old enough to remember the original.

Avoid quiet and placid persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed well their advice, though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss, and when.

Consider that two wrongs don’t make a right, but three do.
Whenever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all stupidity and disillusionment, and despite the changing forces of time, there is always a big future in computer management.
Remember the credo—strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you.
Be assured that a walk through the Ocean of Souls would scarcely get your feet wet.
Therefore, fall not in love, for it will cling to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth, birds, clean air, tuna.
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Hire people with hooks.
For a good time, call 606-4301. Ask for Ken.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom, that your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it will only get worse.
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back. Therefore, make peace with your God, whatever you conceive Him. Hairy Thunderer, or Cosmic Muffin.

With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.

The parody is from National Lampoon. The original was by Max Ehrmann, and every flower child had to have a Desiderata poster on their wall.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.