A Muslim's guide to informing on your children

John Reid, the Labour Home Secretary, has suggested that Muslim parents should inform on any of their children that they think are turning to extremism. I suppose it had to come. Getting children to inform on their parents will presumably be the next step. Stalin did it, why not the Labour Government.

Let's speculate about what might happen if a Muslim parent does decide to inform on one of their children. The police will certainly act on the denunciation because they would be too afraid of being criticized if they didn't. What might happen then?

First - Police break down door in the middle of the night, and you or one of your children get accidentally shot. Policemen are not quick thinkers and this can be a real problem when they are carrying a gun. You might be safer with a suicide bomber in your house than armed policemen.

Second - Your child is dragged off to Paddington Green interrogation center and kept there for several weeks before the police decide that they are not potential terrorists. Or, they weren't before they were arrested.

Third - Just to cover themselves the police persuade the Home Secretary, who very much wants to cover himself, to issue a control order. This will confine your child to your house indefinitely without any possibility of appeal, and without them ever knowing what evidence there is against them. However, they will know it is all your fault.

Fourth - Your child will love you forever more; confirming Labour's position as the family-friendly government.

But he gets even better. What if you're an authoritarian parent who is having some problems with a son or daughter. That can be really annoying. Why not turn them in to the police as a potential suicide bomber? Being pounced upon by a bunch of shouting woodentops and dragged off to Paddington Green for several weeks of rigorous interrogation is certain to make them more inclined to your view of the world.

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